SPEAKING.APP

“Hey, loser. How do you like your new school uniform?” Those were the words of my high school bully, Greg Amberfield. Fellow Toastmasters and guests, if you’re wondering about the underwear Greg used, trust me, I wondered too. And if you’re looking at the Calvin Klein, stop staring. My eyes are up here. When I was 14, Greg would stop me during recess and spell out exactly what he planned to do: “I’m gonna get you outside. I’m gonna knock you in your teeth, punch you in the gut, and laugh at your sorry behind.” (He didn’t use the word “behind.” I cleaned it up for Toastmasters.) Have you ever wondered why bullies announce the entire sequence like it’s a schedule? When I heard those words, my hands would tremble. Have you ever felt so fearful you couldn’t eat or sleep?

By 16, Greg was six feet tall and weighed 240 pounds of what I can only presume was biological insulation. I tried everything. - I tried buying him a cake, hoping he’d stop. I ended up with cake on my face. - I tried telling the teacher. Greg tormented me even more. - I even tried Taekwondo and karate, and I broke my wrist trying to hit a thin plank. I was close to giving up.

Then my aunt gave me one sentence that changed everything: “The way to deal with bullies is not to hide or run. The way to deal with bullies is to outsmart and outlast.” Ping. Light bulb. With whatever “smart 14-year-old brain” I had, I found a way to outsmart and outlast Greg. I changed to a new school.

And for a while, it worked. But years later, I met a bigger bully, a better bully, a stronger bully. A bully I couldn’t escape no matter what I did. This bully echoed in my head: “You’re a loser. You’ll never succeed.” It damaged my self-esteem so badly that some days I wanted to stay in bed and not get up. Have you felt that way before? This bully knew my schedule, stalked me 24/7, and I couldn’t run from it, because it lived here. The bully was inside me. And if you’re thinking, “How long is Darren going to keep his underwear outside his pants?” let me ask you this: If five minutes feels too long, how long have you been wearing your invisible underwear outside your pants? How long have you allowed your inner bully to take charge of your life?

This time, “outsmart and outlast” couldn’t mean changing schools. I couldn’t change neighborhoods. I couldn’t change my brain. I couldn’t run away. Something else had to change. That turning point came when I met another Toastmaster who uplifted me. His name was Greg Umberfield. Yes, I met “Greg” at Toastmasters and thought, “Since when did the Toastmasters logo change from ‘Where leaders are made’ to ‘Where bullies are made’?” But Greg Umberfield is a counselor now, teaching teenagers how to combat bullies. And he gave me the next lesson: “The best way to deal with inner bullies is not to run or hide. You can’t run away from the bully inside. Stand firm, face it, and acknowledge its presence.” When you do that, you stop identifying with it. You step out and observe it. It’s like instead of being out there in the storm, you’re now in the house watching the storm. And your inner bully weakens and fades. I remember thinking, “Wow… that’s profound. How come you didn’t tell me when I was 14?” But my friends, I’m standing on this stage now before 2,000 of you, and many more watching worldwide. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m in control, because I’m acknowledging it, stepping out of it, observing it, and watching it weaken and fade. So let us not run away from our inner bullies anymore. Let us face them, acknowledge their presence, and fight. Let us be vulnerable together, supporting one another. Because we can all outsmart and outlast.